Wednesday, April 23, 2014

20 + 0 weeks and home

I had the rest of the morphology scan, nothing to report there, Hope's kidneys and spine look fine. She has been very active this last week which I read as a very positive sign.

In cervix news::: it has shortened slightly. By 2mm. Doesn't seem much but when there's not much there to start with every little bit counts. The stitch is still holding closed," hanging on for dear life"  to quote my dr. And so we decided I could come home again until the next scan as long as I promised to take it very easy.

It looks very much like I will be admitted to the hospital next Tuesday. I have scan at 11 and then most likely into hospital from there. We shall see.

I am in bed as I type. Feeling let down by my body and helpless and useless. I can't play with my three and a half year old and won't be able to for months. I know it's the blink of an eye in a lifetime but it still makes the here and now tough to live with. He doesn't and can't understand why I am in bed so much. I'm not sick. All I can do is reassure him and cuddle him and play with him in a safe way for now. Lots of stories and bed time snuggles.

We had an amazing treat last night. Andy was invited to dinner on the other side of the island by some good friends. They didn't realise I was still at home, albeit limited in my capacity to get out and about. So when Andy said he felt he couldn't cos I was at home they insisted on bringing the dinner party to us.

A cheese and olive plate. Gifts for James. Flowers and a bottle of Maggi Beer "not" wine ( really scrummy) for me. Books and wiggles undies for James. Snapper pie, amazing salad and sour dough. Chocolate mousse cake. Bloody hell. I was full to my gills. It was so nice to have company and just be normal for a few hours. Talk with adults about their lives. Thank you Matt and Di. This is the kind of stuff that'll keep us sane.

I have started to make some plans for my little boy for next week too. I am lucky to have such great support from my friends here in this amazing community.

We have secured an au pair to help with James over the next 6 months no matter what happens. She is arriving from Germany on 31st May. She seems lovely and James seemed to like her and asks at least once a day about her or if we can go to Germany to visit. Cute!

I will not lie. I feel deflated and sad even though I knew this was coming. We have 4 more days before I go to hospital. I want to make the most of them and enjoy my family and my home. I will try to rest for Hope.

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