20 + 5

Here I am. Still feeling pregnant and kinda normal.

I have a scan to check my cervix length this morning. And of course they'll check on Hope too. She has been very active the last few days which gives me....hope. I have had no pains or contractions or blood loss or anything that could pass for amniotic fluid. I didn't last time. Or the time before that. Who knows what my cervix is doing?

All I know is that I am giving this my best shot. Lots of lying down. Lots of reclining on the couch. Lots and lots of time by myself! And much more stretches ahead.

If I can hang on for another 3 weeks or so we enter the viable zone. Viable for Hope's life. No guarantees of much else. A baby born at 24-26 weeks is up against it from the get go. We know it well. Not a path we want Hope to have to make. Not a journey we want to endure again. I started to think 27-30 weeks wouldn't be so bad....what am I like!!!! That is still a super premmie baby. With a long hard struggle.

I am getting ahead of myself, of us. For my own sanity, so I don't get overwhelmed by all the ifs and buts, I need to tick off each hour, then the day, then hopefully each week. Every trip to the toilet makes me wonder if I'll see blood and the beginnings of the end. That's an awful thought. But that's where I'm at. Every movement has a cost, although I don't know what it is yet.

Both eyes are twitching now. The right only occasionally. The left is constant. I don't think anyone can see but it's very annoying. I have also started having some mild anxiety attacks - I tell myself this is perfectly normal and to just ride them out. It's a hard thing to do as my heart feels like it's going to beat right of my chest and it hurts to draw breath. It feels like what I imagine a heart attack might feel like in the beginning.

On the up side, I read a great novel. The Rosie Project. A wonderful story of unusual characters. I haven't read a "nice" book like that for an age. It kept coming up as recommended in my amazon list. I ignored it for ages but finally gave in. My only regret is not riding it sooner. It's an Australian novel, which seems to make it better somehow. Most of the books I'm reading are crime fiction; Karin Slaughter, Lisa Gardiner, Patricia Cornwall and my newest author Karen Rose. They are easy to read, a bit like watching the tv I guess.

My boy is sick. He coughed all night last night so he can't go to day care as planned. I had hoped to spare him the drama of the hospital today. A little part of me is selfishly happy that he's coming along as it's an extra bit of time I'll get to see him. To give him cuddles and reassure him that love him. We've been trying to prepare him for the possibility, and now the reality, of Mummy having to go into hospital for a little while to rest and look after Hope. I don't really know what he thinks. He's a very secure and happy little boy with lots of people around who care for and love him so he shouldn't suffer too much. I, on the other hand, will be bereft without my little sidekick!